finding peace among the chaos

it’s impossible to be 100% all the time, everyone knows that. whether it’s external factors bringing you down or just you not feeling your best, it’s incredibly easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to tell yourself “if this one thing happens, i’ll be better” or “if this changes, i’ll be back to myself” but it’s not so black and white.

august was filled with everything that makes me happy. I spent time with family, friends, travelled, ate well, listened to great music, treated myself, started learning the ins and outs of film photography and took the opportunity of having a few weeks at home with no real responsibilities to get back in touch with myself. for the sake of not being super cliche, I won’t call it life changing, but I will say that this time allowed me to start feeling like myself again after two months of the discomfort and disorientation that can come from starting a new chapter of life. towards the end of july, there was a hiccup in my future plans and I thought that after everything I wouldn’t be able to come to school in amsterdam this fall, but after some teary phonecalls and determination, by the end of the month everything got sorted back into place.

during these few weeks, my whole life was thrown back up into the air again. all the second guessing was incredibly painful, and I had to reevaluate absolutely everything. in the end, the decision was made for me that I was to stay here, but all of the thought forced me to figure out what drives me and what makes me happy. in some ways, that question is easy for me to answer. I like fresh cut flowers in mason jars, persian rugs, jazz music, unconventional ingredients in just about anything, the time of day where everything turns golden, then blue as the sun sets.

but what else? my family and friends make me happy, just like everyone else. I love to travel, but not for too long as I get homesick easy. I’m a homebody, so cozy spaces make me happy. taking my dog out and watching him walk in green, summer grass makes me happy. I like making pies and lemonade, and I like sitting in the park in my hometown. these things are deeply embedded in my way of life, and moving, whether it’s a town over or across the ocean, puts them all in jeopardy.

so what do you do when everything is different, but you? I wish I knew. I wish there was a way for everything to be perfect from day one. coming back to amsterdam was me accepting that nothing can be perfect immediately. you get from situations what you give, and if I’m going to do this whole college-abroad thing then I need to commit. I’m only a week in and if I’ve learned something it’s that this commitment is draining. not having your own space is draining, not knowing most of the people you come across in your daily life is draining, only being able to connect to your friends and family at the mercy of your dysfunctional wifi is draining. there have been days where I’ve wondered if this was even the right choice at all, and spent the whole night staring at the ceiling and try to will it to give me answers. there have certainly been tears, but regardless of that, I’m looking forward to the time that I know will come where everything will settle into place and I will start to feel home here.

hopefully by next month I’ll have my own place, after that a group of friends, my boyfriend and I have a trip booked to copenhagen in october and a concert in november, then there’s christmas break and a new semester with new classes, people, and content. this week may suck. there’s always something. but we have to keep looking forward. september can be a tough month. so lets be easy on ourselves. remember that nothing worthwhile is made in one day, and that each day is an opportunity to work towards a tomorrow that the very idea makes you so excited that you can’t fall asleep. breathe, and remember that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to, and that you are exactly where you need to be right now.



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