for the first time in what feels like ages, I am sitting in a café with a steaming chai latte and tapping away on my laptop. with exams coming up, I’m trying my best to focus on my notes, but my concentration is slipping. after all, what is the point of working in a café without occasionally allowing myself drifting from my work to be taken away by my surroundings.
over the stereo a cool, excitable voice sings about how he’s “got his new shoes on,” the creak of the door when it opens pulls my attention ever so slightly with each event. the grey and bitterly cold afternoon, the first of the season, is only visible through the windows. the soft lighting indoors warming me as much as the heater below my chair.
I have a million things on my mind. the stacks of articles on my desk in my apartment that I’ve been chipping away at, my upcoming weekend trip to copenhagen, the film I need to get developed, the unfinished to do list for my internship, my impending exams, all vying for my attention.
I want to pay attention to everything. even in my lectures I try, in vain, to wrap my mind around each detail. during the rest of my day, I try to slow down and enjoy this beautiful city I’m so lucky to inhabit. it blows my mind how easily I get used to the beauty around me and stop seeing it as unique. I am constantly trying to find the intrigue of things around me, familiar or unfamiliar, and to let them inspire me.
this past month I have felt this ache to be more, to do more, to live more. I want to be writing rather than a writer, traveling rather than a traveler, loving rather than a lover. I want to read, write, feel, and experience more, which can be hard when you’re a full time student.
I turn 20 in a few months, and it is so strange but I feel like my youth is is something that is slipping away from me. I constantly feel this urge to be doing things, to be taking advantage of my youth and my “ability” to be impulsive and passionate and creative. here I am at the very beginning of the next chapter of my life, already scared that it will go by too fast.
I don’t know how exactly to quiet my mind on this topic, but I’m trying. trying to do more, to be actively creative, to put myself out there, and make the most out of this whirlwind time in my life.