last year was one of unease for me.
It was half spent in america, the other in europe, and I was increasingly aware of my absence from which ever place I wasn’t in. searching for a home and stability at this age seems impossible, as the notion is fleeting due to the fact that these are years in which life must change in order for growth to occur.
these are a different kind of growing pains – not quite palpable but seemingly ever-present. they seemed to follow me from place to place, from month to month. not quite allowing me to ever feel truly comfortable, as I was bracing the whole year for my world to be abruptly flipped on its axis.
I swear time sped up last year, and as adulthood comes barreling towards me, I have for the first time tried to tune in into how I am living my life. it is no longer so much of a question of what I’m doing, but if what I’m doing is worthwhile and makes me happy.
I wasted a lot of time last year worrying about things so distant and irrelevant, things that often never even happened or problems that I never needed to address. you can make yourself dizzy with thoughts of whens and what-ifs, and it’s really better to focus on what you can actually do. what can you actually work towards. what you can actually change.
In november I started writing a book. who knows if I’ll finish it, and even if I do, if it will ever see the light of day. but you know what? it doesn’t matter if any of those things do or do not happen because writing is what feels good right now, and being a writer is one of the many things that sounds good right now. that’s all I can really hope for at this point in my life.
I’m not saying that you should base all your decisions on what feels good…many, many, things worth doing and decisions worth making are neither easy nor do they particularly feel good. what I’m saying is that you should go full force after what you want, after what you dream about, after what you idealize, because I don’t want to look back and think about the what-ifs.
wishing you a happy new year!