new year’s resolve

last year was one of unease for me.

It was half spent in america, the other in europe, and I was increasingly aware of my absence from which ever place I wasn’t in. searching for a home and stability at this age seems impossible, as the notion is fleeting due to the fact that these are years in which life must change in order for growth to occur.

these are a different kind of growing pains – not quite palpable but seemingly ever-present. they seemed to follow me from place to place, from month to month. not quite allowing me to ever feel truly comfortable, as I was bracing the whole year for my world to be abruptly flipped on its axis.

I swear time sped up last year, and as adulthood comes barreling towards me, I have for the first time tried to tune in into how I am living my life. it is no longer so much of a question of what I’m doing, but if what I’m doing is worthwhile and makes me happy.

I wasted a lot of time last year worrying about things so distant and irrelevant, things that often never even happened or problems that I never needed to address. you can make yourself dizzy with thoughts of whens and what-ifs, and it’s really better to focus on what you can actually do. what can you actually work towards. what you can actually change.

In november I started writing a book. who knows if I’ll finish it, and even if I do, if it will ever see the light of day. but you know what? it doesn’t matter if any of those things do or do not happen because writing is what feels good right now, and being a writer is one of the many things that sounds good right now. that’s all I can really hope for at this point in my life.

I’m not saying that you should base all your decisions on what feels good…many, many, things worth doing and decisions worth making are neither easy nor do they particularly feel good. what I’m saying is that you should go full force after what you want, after what you dream about, after what you idealize, because I don’t want to look back and think about the what-ifs.

wishing you a happy new year!











three hundred sixty-five


I can lay all the mornings spent with him out in front of myself on the floor, all sun-streaked and rainy

my hair knots up in the back, I presume it battles with my pillow while I sleep

searching for home in the shallow depths of my coffee at the cafes I have haunted day after day

minutes, hours all ticking away on the little brass timepiece I bought from a street market in copenhagen

plane tickets and tubes of lipstick and books I’ve bought but haven’t read a word of

tears and tears and tears, it feels as if there is a black hole inside me, pulling me into oblivion

I don’t know where I am supposed to be or where I will be once I orbit the sun again, what is it to be only one year older

and then, the sound of a camera shutter closing and the smell of the perfume I still wear

“I wish I had a river I could skate away on”

around town, up and down streets made familiar by the years and through intersections and on avenues that I am a stranger to

staring in the mirror for hours wondering what kind of impression I leave on the people I will only ever know in passing

words and words and words, what will I do with my life? there is sugar spilt onto my saucer in sweet crystalline constellations

I’ll fall asleep at 11:20, and the world will softly shift while I dream

day one


finding peace among the chaos

it’s impossible to be 100% all the time, everyone knows that. whether it’s external factors bringing you down or just you not feeling your best, it’s incredibly easy to blame yourself. It’s easy to tell yourself “if this one thing happens, i’ll be better” or “if this changes, i’ll be back to myself” but it’s not so black and white.

august was filled with everything that makes me happy. I spent time with family, friends, travelled, ate well, listened to great music, treated myself, started learning the ins and outs of film photography and took the opportunity of having a few weeks at home with no real responsibilities to get back in touch with myself. for the sake of not being super cliche, I won’t call it life changing, but I will say that this time allowed me to start feeling like myself again after two months of the discomfort and disorientation that can come from starting a new chapter of life. towards the end of july, there was a hiccup in my future plans and I thought that after everything I wouldn’t be able to come to school in amsterdam this fall, but after some teary phonecalls and determination, by the end of the month everything got sorted back into place.

during these few weeks, my whole life was thrown back up into the air again. all the second guessing was incredibly painful, and I had to reevaluate absolutely everything. in the end, the decision was made for me that I was to stay here, but all of the thought forced me to figure out what drives me and what makes me happy. in some ways, that question is easy for me to answer. I like fresh cut flowers in mason jars, persian rugs, jazz music, unconventional ingredients in just about anything, the time of day where everything turns golden, then blue as the sun sets.

but what else? my family and friends make me happy, just like everyone else. I love to travel, but not for too long as I get homesick easy. I’m a homebody, so cozy spaces make me happy. taking my dog out and watching him walk in green, summer grass makes me happy. I like making pies and lemonade, and I like sitting in the park in my hometown. these things are deeply embedded in my way of life, and moving, whether it’s a town over or across the ocean, puts them all in jeopardy.

so what do you do when everything is different, but you? I wish I knew. I wish there was a way for everything to be perfect from day one. coming back to amsterdam was me accepting that nothing can be perfect immediately. you get from situations what you give, and if I’m going to do this whole college-abroad thing then I need to commit. I’m only a week in and if I’ve learned something it’s that this commitment is draining. not having your own space is draining, not knowing most of the people you come across in your daily life is draining, only being able to connect to your friends and family at the mercy of your dysfunctional wifi is draining. there have been days where I’ve wondered if this was even the right choice at all, and spent the whole night staring at the ceiling and try to will it to give me answers. there have certainly been tears, but regardless of that, I’m looking forward to the time that I know will come where everything will settle into place and I will start to feel home here.

hopefully by next month I’ll have my own place, after that a group of friends, my boyfriend and I have a trip booked to copenhagen in october and a concert in november, then there’s christmas break and a new semester with new classes, people, and content. this week may suck. there’s always something. but we have to keep looking forward. september can be a tough month. so lets be easy on ourselves. remember that nothing worthwhile is made in one day, and that each day is an opportunity to work towards a tomorrow that the very idea makes you so excited that you can’t fall asleep. breathe, and remember that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to, and that you are exactly where you need to be right now.